tribute to my grandpa

Today has been a bit of a tough day.. It marks 2 weeks since my Grandpa passed away.. All day I have been consumed by reminders of him.. Lots of what-ifs.. Lots of memories.. Lots of sadness.. Lots of happiness..

REMINDERS OF HIM: Being a HUGE sweet-tooth, I woke up this morning and instantly went to get a piece of candy.. If you have ever been in my house, you would know that you can find some kind of candy in just about any spot you look.. Is it a coincidence that I would reach into the drawer and pick up a tootsie roll?? I think not - I would say it was a very sweet reminder of my sweet Grandpa who too loved tootsie rolls! Next reminder of him would be hoping into my car this morning to go to work and turning it on to find that my ipod had shuffled to a church hymn.. Another sweet reminder of him..

WHAT-IFS: I think it is normal to go through the "what-ifs" when something big happens.. I can't help but wonder what-if I had made it to Utah before he passed away - would I feel differently?? What-if I forget what he sounded like? What-if I don't live up to his name?? What-if he passed away not knowing my true love and admiration for him?? What-if...

MEMORIES: The biggest memory that keeps on replying thrpugh my head is when Grandpa and Grandma Winn lived here in Washington.. It was years ago, but I can remember going over to their apartment and just hanging out with them. I remember Grandpa's big brown reclining chair that I would sit in and put up and down over and over again.. I can remember being so proud to have my Grandpa and Grandma Winn in my stake at church.. I would run up to them and secretly hope that all my little friends were jealous.. (Hey! I was young!!)

SADNESS: I think people would be quite nervous if I said I am not sad.. I didn't see my Grandpa often as it was due to living states away from each other and the busy schedule that I have.. I am very embarrassed and ashamed to admit that I didn't take every chance I could to see him either.. Perhaps that is what fuels this extreme sadness.. Isn't it ironic that once something is taken away from you, it suddenly becomes that much more valuable and needed?? Death is a hard thing, and I am pretty tough, but I can honestly say never in a million years would I have been able to foresee my sadness that I feel in this situation..

HAPPINESS: I am so happy that I have the pure knowledge that I will see my Grandpa again one day.. I am so happy that my Grandpa is no longer suffering.. I am so glad that I have so many amazing memories that can never be taken from me..

If I had the chance to say one last thing to my Grandpa it would be that I love him and I am so proud to be his grand-daughter!! I love and miss you so much Grandpa!!