i am so frustrated today... can we call it stress? i dont know... can we call it overwhelmed? again, i dont know... i feel like life has been a big ball of chaos the last couple of weeks and im not so sure how to take it all...
now just a side note, this is in fact a blog... it is public because i like to keep in touch with my family and friends... it is my personal journal of the good, bad, and ugly that i want to remember from my life... we all have to remember that life happens and nobody has a clear stress free ride with no problems... just because i am choosing to express my thoughts and feelings right now in no way means that i cant handle my life, or that i need some huge change in my life, or that i am a lost soul... it just means that i am having "one of those days" and im choosing to record it in my journal to refer back to later on in my life... i might laugh later at these huge annoyances that seem so big right now... heck! i might wish to live these days all over again... or i could cry and complain about them... either way, it is MY choice and i am normal just as much as the rest of you are...
it's just one of those days...
the girls got lice from some other child a few weeks back... i am so sick of combing through their hair each morning for hours at a time... i am starting to see what i think are crawling bugs, but in fact, they are just my imagination from doing it for so long... i am so frustrated that nothing seems to work... i can't complain all that much because we have been very lucky to catch it so quickly and to really not have too much of a problem... it's all these nasty little buggers that are causing me hell... can the parents help out? apparently they can not... thank you...
my leg is another huge frustration... should i really complain? no... i have a diagnosis and it is not going to kill me... i can be frustrated with it though... will my leg every feel better? will i ever get to stop taking this medicine? will i ever get to stop these shots? my hope is that the answer to all of these questions, and the many other that continue to flood my mind, is yes... time will tell i suppose...
lonely... we all experience that at different points throughout our lives, i know... could it be the fact that i moved recently and dont know people around my new place? it is because i am in a new ward and again, dont know people? perhaps both of these are correct... i miss my old ward... i miss my old house... i do like the new one as well, but it's just different... i guess its true when they say, you never know what you got until it's gone...
last, its october... could i leave it at enough said? of course... do i want to? no... october is always a bittersweet month for me... lots has happened in the month of october throughout my life... there are a few of the bigger ones that have effected my life now... missions, baby's, weddings, nieces, etc... all great things, but all impacting...
anybody who knows me, and knows me well, knows just how much i love and adore and look up to my older brother... he has always been somebody who i viewed as strong, stable, an example, and even perfect at times... when he chose to go on a mission, i supported him 100% and i was so proud of my bother going on a mission just like he had always wanted to do and said he would do... i was so proud... i wanted everybody to know that he was on a mission... i am still so proud that he went and made such an impact in so many people's lives... i would be lying if i said i did not at times feel super selfish in wanting him home while he was gone... i did wonder how he could just leave me, his sister who needed him, for somebody else in another country... i now realize he did it for the Lord and that he was there for a reasons... he was released off his mission in october 2004... i will never forget the day that my parents flew out to pick him up from his mission in the phillippines and to explore his mission with him... an impact yes... worth it? of course!!
another thing, my adored brother got married in october... i can remember feeling a few times that i was loosing my brother and he was choosing a random girl over his own family... my how times have changed, and i dont know that anybody could begin to understand just how lucky i find myself to have such a great sis-in-law... i love my savannah... i love her... she is just like another sister that i didnt have the first part of my life... i love her family... i was her roommate and loved living with her... i have spent countless hours with her, and i love it! she has been a confidante, an example, but most importantly a friend... marriage in october, hard at first, but completely worth it...
october also brought the arrival of my very first niece... a lot of emotion and feelings went on from the day i found out i was going to be an aunt, leading all the way up to when reagan was born... i was so excited for her to come, and felt pretty extra special because i was the only living in washington at the same time as them... i was going to see her before anybody... i would go down to federal way as often as possible to just hang out with savannah and we would just hope and pray that she would come soon... we listened to other babies cry all night long... we watched reagan move around... we counted contractions hoping that this time was "the one..." when she was born, there was something about me that changed... im not even sure how to explain it, but when i think about who she helped me to become, i still tear up to this day... that little girl was something that i needed in my life...
last but certainly not least, october is the month that sweet maili was born... when she was born, i watched half of my heart become another wonderful addition to this world... one of the best days of my life and one of the hardest... she was so important to me, and always will be... although i am not parenting her here on earth, i still have a love for her that nobody could ever understand... she has probably made the biggest impact on my life and changed me in so many ways... she is a piece of my heart, out in this world, making her mark... i love her...
wow! so much in my mind and in my heart... although i have crazy, stressful days, i know that they are just that, random days... as hard as october can be for me each year, i am reminded of just how many great things i have in my life each october... i am so thankful for all of those things!!
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