I've had a lot going through my head as of late and I have to say it has been a real eyeopener for me in a lot of ways.. Although I know that some people read this, I still look at it as my journal and I am trying to be real.. Not just for people reading this, but for myself.. Sometimes life is hard and I am not perfect.. I need the reminder often of what is right..
I feel like I have been faced with a lot of adversity lately and it is hard.. It's hard to wake up each day and be happy about it.. It's hard to make myself smile and be happy.. President Thomas S. Monson said, "At times some may think that no one cares--but someone always cares! Your Heavenly Father will not leave you to struggle alone, but stands ever ready to help." I need this reminder all the time and it is nice to have it said so simple.. Maybe it will be a little easier to remember this..
Having been seriously wronged by many people in my life, I have found that I still carry around a lot of anger and even some hatred.. I wish that wasn't the case.. I am know it's not good for me and that it is only hurting me, but I am not good at always remembering that.. I try to remember what President Gordon B. Hinckley said, "Forgiveness . . . may be the greatest virtue on earth, and certainly the most needed. There is so much of meanness and abuse, of intolerance and hatred. There is so great a need for repentance and forgiveness. It is the great principle emphasized in all of scripture, both ancient and modern." It is so true.. There is meanness and abuse on the earth today and it is not my place to judge those who hurt me.. It is my job to forgive and leave the judging up to my Heavenly Father..
“Everybody in this life has their challenges and difficulties. That is part of our mortal test. The reason for some of these trials cannot be readily understood except on the basis of faith and hope because there is often a larger purpose which we do not always understand. Peace comes through hope.” James E. Faust gives me hope.. That is something that is easy to let go of when times get hard.. Sometimes I find myself thinking that things will never get better so why try.. This is not how I should be thinking.. Hope matters..
I'm sure I am not the only person who questions their worthiness.. Do all of the bad things I have done in my life make me unworthy of my Heavenly Father's love? How about His comfort? Or His companionship? I don't think that is the case.. Richard G. Scott said, "So many of our sisters are disheartened, even discouraged, and disillusioned. Others are in serious trouble because of the choices they make. Satan has unleashed a seductive campaign to undermine the sanctity of womanhood, to deceive the daughters of God and divert them from their divine destiny. He well knows women are the compassionate, self-sacrificing, loving power that binds together the human family. He would focus their interests solely on their physical attributes and rob them of their exalting roles as wives and mothers." When I start to question whether I am worthy of my Saviors love, I try to remember that it is Satan's goal to make me feel that way..
"[As] a young boy you bore your testimony and said, 'I know the gospel is true. I know that Jesus Christ is the Son of God. I know that Joseph Smith was a true prophet.' You knew those things because others told you. Because of your trust in your parents, your bishop, and others, you never questioned that knowledge. But now, as you grow more independent in understanding, comprehension, and perception of all the different variables that this intense and beautiful life presents to you, frequently you realize that not all men have the same testimony or 'peace of God, which passeth all understanding.'" It is amazing to me just how true this really is.. As I grew up, I remember walking the long walk up to the podium to bare my testimony and always saying things that I had heard others say.. In my own little way, it was the start to my testimony.. I know I didn't take complete advantage of making sure my testimony grew as I got older and that is my fault.. I do think that because of the things I have experienced in my life, my faith was shaken so I didn't know if I even had a testimony anymore.. I am so glad to feel like some things are coming back.. My testimony isn't long or elaborate.. It is very simple, but very real..
James E. Faust once said, "One of this nation's leading pollsters, Richard Wirthlin, has identified through polls an expression of the basic needs of people in the United States. These needs are self-esteem, peace of mind, and personal contentment. I believe these are needs of God's children everywhere. How can these needs be satisfied? I suggest that behind each of these is the requirement to establish one's own personal identity as the offspring of God. All three needs, regardless of ethnic background, culture, or country, can be met if we look to the divinity that is within us." I think we all struggle with how we view ourselves at one point of another in our lives.. I know I do at least.. Self-esteem, peace of mind, and personal contentment.. Sounds simple but hard to always have.. This is something I am striving for daily..
Although I have had many doubts in my life regarding what I really do believe to be true, I have never doubted the strength of a priesthood blessing.. I cherish each and every blessing that I have received in my life.. Robert D. Hales said, “The priesthood of God gives light to his children in this dark and troubled world. Through priesthood power we can receive the gift of the Holy Ghost to lead us to truth, testimony, and revelation. This gift is available on an equal basis to men, women, and children. Through the blessings of the priesthood, we can be equipped with ‘the whole armour of God, that [we] may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil’. This protection is available to every one of us.” I know that no matter what I have or have not done in my life, I can be blessed through the power of the priesthood if I will accept it into my life.. This is something I am very grateful for..
I am the first to say that I am horrible at saying my prayers.. I am very much a visual person and I have a hard time talking to somebody that I can not actually see.. I know that is a weakness on my end and something I need to work on, but reality is, I am not good at this.. I don't have sit down formal prayers.. It's not that I don't want to pray, it's more that I find myself constantly asking for help throughout the day.. Is it the correct way to pray? I don't know.. Richard G. Scott said, "Don't worry about your clumsily expressed feelings. Just talk to your compassionate, understanding Father. You are His precious child whom He loves perfectly and wants to help. As you pray, recognize that Father in Heaven is near and He is listening." I can see Elder Scott saying this, almost as if he is talking directly to me.. My Heavenly Father is listening to me even when I struggle to get my thoughts and feelings out..
“Each of us will have our own Fridays—those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays. “But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death—Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come. “No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, in this life or the next, Sunday will come.” said Joseph B. Wirthlin.. Something I long for is to wake up each day and to feel peace.. Peace with who I am.. Peace with my decisions.. Just a day filled with peace.. I know this is possible, I just have to make an effort to feel it..
Lots of random thoughts running through my head tonight as I think about the past filled with a lot of heartache and pain.. I am thankful that there is a light ahead that I can see.. It is a ways away, but it is there and that is all I need to know..
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